| Location | Swindon |
| Age | 0 |
| Date of Birth | 12/2007 |
| Date of Death | 12/2007 |
| Visitors | 8,105 since 04/01/2008 |
| Creator |
Dear friends and family.
If you are visiting Sam's site, then please light a candle to say you have been here (even if you do
not write anything). If you are here then you are still thinking of my lil man, and that means a lot
to me. What I do find odd, is when I hear that people are looking here when I don't realise they
are. Thank you
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TO ALL MY GTS AND SANDS FRIENDS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENDLESS CANDLES FOR MY ANGEL SAM, AND MESSAGES
AND KINDS WORDS. IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME, IM SURE YOU ALL UNDERSTAND, TO HAVE YOUR ANGEL REMEMBERED
(WHEN SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN SO SOON). YOUR ANGELS ALL HAVE A SPECIAL
PLACE IN MY HEART.
WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THAT IN LOSING THE MOST PRECIOUS THING- A CHILD, THAT 'FRIENDS' WOULD DISAPPEAR,
THAT PEOPLE DON'T LOOK YOU IN THE FACE ANYMORE, THEY'D RATHER CROSS THE STREET THAN SAY 'HELLO',
THAT PEOPLE STOP CARING- AS IF NOW SAM'S GONE, MY BATTLE IS OVER, THAT PEOPLE STOP ASKING HOW YOU
ARE- BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR; NOT THAT THERE ARE WORDS TO DESCRIBE THE PAIN.
THANK YOU ALL FOR KEEPING ME SANE (WELL ALMOST), THANK YOU FOR THE CHATS, THE EMAILS, THE TEXTS,
THANK YOU FOR STILL TALKING ABOUT SAM, FOR REASSURING ME THAT EVERYTHING I FEEL IS 'NORMAL' IN OUR
SITUATION.
I ALSO HAVE TO THANK MARY, FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD FRIEND, FOR THE ENDLESS CANDLES,LONG CHATS,
PRESENTS FOR SAM, VISITS TO SAM'S GARDEN, AND FOR LOVING SAM THE SAME AS IF HE WERE STILL HERE.
OF COURSE, I THANK CHRIS, JORDAN AND MAX- MY REASONS FOR STAYING. I COULDN'T GET THROUGH THIS
WITHOUT YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST, MY SAMMY SUNSHINE. OH BABY BOY, I KNOW YOUR STAY ON EARTH WAS SHORT, I WISH WE
GOT TO KEEP YOU HERE WITH US, BUT FOR REASONS I DO NOT YET UNDERSTAND, THAT WASN'T THE WAY IT WORKED
OUT. STILL SAM, I LOVE SO MUCH. DEATH ISN'T ENOUGH TO BREAK OUR BOND, THE LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU IS
HUGE, AND WILL BE FOREVER. IF I COULD CHOSE TO DO IT ALL AGAIN, I WOULD DO IT OVER SAM TO HAVE YOU
IN MY LIFE, EVEN FOR SUCH A SHORT TIME. TILL WE MEET AGAIN BABY BOY, I LOVE YOU SON XX XX XX XX XX
XX XX XX XX
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its so hard to write about my little mans life and what he meant to us in such a short space, but
here goes;
the 8th of october was the day our world came crashing down. we went for our routine 20 week scan. i
was so pleased to be told that i was having a little boy. i knew max (aged 6) was desperate for a
brother, and i knew jordan (then aged 7 ) would love a brother or sister.
something was wrong! i can remember thinking oh no, hes got a hole in his heart- if only that was
all it was. the sonographer called for her collegue, then they called for a consultant. now i knew
we were in trouble.
we were told quite bluntly, that our son had a diapragmatic hernia. this meant his diapragm hadnt
formed properly earlier in the pregnancy which meant that his bowels and his stomach were in his
chest. this had caused our babys heart to be misplaced on the right and leaves less room for normal
lung development. we were told then that his chances were about 50:50.
i felt i needed to give my baby a nice strong name. we had been considering sam, oscar and fraser.
jordan and max liked sam the most. i looked the meanings up in the baby name book. samuel means: god
has heard, and samson means: against all odds (which sam would be- so we hoped). so we decided on
sam; a combination of both names.
we were referred to the john radcliffe hospital the next day. we had another scan and an
amniocentisis. this was to rule out any other abnormalities which would have meant our little boy
stood no chance. we met dr lawrence impey for the first time. we were to see this man a great deal
more during the pregnancy. i thank him for his honesty throughout.
we were told that sams condition was at the worst end of the scale and therefore his chances were
less than 50%, more like 30%.
dr impey told us about an experimental treatment that was being carried out by expert and wonderful
man, professor nicolaides. it was suggested that because of the severity of sams condition he would
be a good candidate. we were reffered to kings hospital in london, and met with the lovely dr jacque
jani. again, i thank him for his honesty and kindness throughout. an expert in the condition, dr
jani told us that sams hernia was very severe and he also had liver in his chest. he told us that
without the operation, sams chances of survival were about 5%. sams lung to head ratio at this time
was measured at 0.4 (it should be 2.5-3.5).
we agreed to have the FETO treatment, which involved putting sam to sleep, then through my tummy
putting a camera in along a tube, then placing a balloon in sams trachea (with the aim to increase
lung growth). this was the most painful thing i have ever been through, but i thought it was going
to help my little sam. all seemed to have gone well. weekly scans from then on showed sams lung to
head ratio gradually rise to 0.9 then even 1.1. i really thought things were looking up.
on the 10th of december, on my daughters 8th birthday, i had a show. i knew this was bad news being
only 29 weeks pregnant. i put on a brave face till the celebrations were over. then i called the
hospital. they said not to worry.
on the 11th of december, i went to watch my sons nativity play- he was reading the part of joesph.
then i went to see my midwife. she sent me straight to oxford hospital. i was monitored, and during
my time there, starting having contractions. i was given drugs to stop the labour, and sam was given
steroids to mature his lungs. after 3 days, all had pretty much settled down (though not completely
stopped) and i was discharged from hospital. scare over - or so i thought.
on 19th of december of december,my waters broke at 10.30 pm. i rang oxford, but there were no
special care beds. i had to go to the local hospital -gwh, and was then transfered by ambulance to
kings in london. thank you to all the lovely staff at gwh.
on the 20th, i saw dr jani and professor nicolaides who scanned me and decided it was safe for me to
return home to spend christmas with my family. the loss of amniotic fluid was a result of the feto
operation and baby sams surrounding fluids were still ok. then on the 22nd of december, i woke up
in the morning, this time my waters really had gone. i was once again transferred by ambulance to
kings. this time i knew i was staying. i went into labour.
baby sam still had his balloon in from the feto operation. this should have been removed before he
was born. dr jani was going to puncture the balloon on the 23rd of december, but during the hour
before the operation, sams heartbeat slowed down for 7 minutes. i nearly had a c-section. then sam
perked up again, but the professor decided it was to risky to do the procedure and the balloon would
have to be removed after sam was born.
it broke my heart that i could not be with jordan and max on christmas eve, and that i needed daddy
there too, because baby sam was coming. thank you to nanny and bo-bo nanny and uncle roy for looking
after them.
my baby boy came into the world at 7.38 pm on christmas eve, weighing 3lb, 1oz. i saw his arm shoot
up in the air. this is the only time i saw my baby boy move. dr jani punctured sams balloon, but it
was over 4 minutes befre they were able to get any oxygen into sam.
sam was whisked away.
later that evening we were told that it was unlikely sam would make it. i didnt believe he would
die. we went and sat with him. he was all wired up and we couldnt even see him properly, but he
looked strong to me. we stayed with him till the early hours of the morning.
we woke up christmas morning. i thought, no news is good news. sam had made it through the night. we
went to see him. things were looking worse. he was going to die. he was going to die on christmas
day. i called home and arranged for my family to come to see sam. i urged sam to hold on till his
brother and sister reached him. he couldnt wait though. he died in my arms between 11:40-11:45. i
told him it was ok to stop fighting, and that he could go. now ive changed my mind its not ok. my
heart is now broken.
i had to break jordan and maxs hearts too. when they arrived at the hospital, excited to see their
new brother, i had to tell them he had died.
we spent the rest of the day with sam in a private room. i got him dressed and we all cuddled him.
he was and always be the best christmas present ever!
i never got to see his eyes open. i am so sad. i miss my little boy. i want him back!
17th December
Morning my sunshine!
Well, a week till your first birthday! We have got you lots of nive things for your 1st birthday and Xmas. I only wish we didn't have to think about what will last at your garden, and ...well, i don't want to give you anymore clues ;O)
It's Caitlin's !st Birthday today, so make sure u give her a wet sloppy kiss! Oh, what i would do for one of those :O( ANYTHING!
Sammy, I need you to help me. I need you to help me get through these next couple of weeks. I can't believe it's been a year. In a strange way, Im slightly looking forward to your birthday i suppose. Of course, it's not as exciting as it should be, but we certainly won't be having the day passing without a celebration- afterall, you really are worth celebrating. I've said it so many times, but that's cause i mean it; I'd rather have had you in my tummy, and my life for the short time i did, that to never have known you, never had seen you, never have kissed you, never have held you, never had felt your big long fingers wrapped around mine, and never been your mummy!
See what you can do about the lil honk sammy. Things could be better, she just needs to stay put for a while longer. i really need her to stay in till new year. i can't be in hospital over xmas again, and i don't want her their either, she's better off where she is isn't she! So here i am again, a prisoner! i must do nothing!
Hey, what do you think of your new garden? and your lovely tree? didn't daddy do well! and isn't your lovely reindeer from auntie mary and the boys lovely! im only sorry that noone else bothers lil man. it's sad that i knew the reindeer was from auntie mary as soon as i saw it- because she is the only one who bothers :O( i just don't get it Sam. It's not like i thought they'd you'd have constant visitors, but once in a blue moon might be nice hey? i wonder if you will get more visitors on your birthday or christmas. we'll see. well, i'll be there! i'll be breaking out of this prison to come and see my lil man on his special days! oh, and we have some lovely things for you :O) some for at home, some for your garden- all lovely though :O)
We have a honkie scan and hospital appointment on your birthday. I wonder whether she'll be bigger or smaller than you.
Anyway my lil man, i guess you know im missing you lots, but loving you all the way to heaven...AND BACK!
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oh ps- everyone loves our 'sammy tree' at home. hope u like it too. you have lots of special things on there. i will post some photos on here of your new garden and your trees
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Missing You, Child, at Christmas
Everybody's rushing round
Full of festive cheer
But I'm finding all I want to do
At Christmas, is come here.
To talk to you a little while
And light a candle or two
I can't buy you a present
So what else can I do?
Remember child, I love you
I'm still hurting with this pain
I don't think it will ever stop
Until I'm with you once again.
super sam
hello i dont no why but i always call you super sam strange hey? i seen your new garden with the fencing and stones its georgeous and your lil xmas tree. i have to sort caitlins out its her birthday on wed 17th can you give caitlin a hug from me x
me and your mummy were both in oxford this time last year looking forward to haveing our special babies we would do anything for you. Me and your mummy also have the 1st birthdays this is sooo hard but we will try to be happy the best we can . caitlin is having all her family over on her birthday all having a little tea im sure caitlin will be around 2 x
remember to stay close to mummy during this very diffcult time with birthdays and xmas (it was heartbreaking to lose you but to try to celebrate your special days without you here well words cannot say)
i always think of you and visit your garden i just hope you are looking ater each over and watching over us
sweet dreams lil man
love nicola xxx
thanx caroline for the message i no its very diffcult time for us its just nice to no you can relate to such nice people in the same situations
love nicola xxx
12th december
i miss you sammy. i wish you were here. we'd be so excited looking foreward to your first birthday. this is so wrong. im hating the lead up to your birthday and the day you went away. it feels so wrong to be counting down the days on advents calendars- as if i needed reminding. i can't hide from it anywhere.everyone is excited about christmas, it's all over the tv and radio and i just wanna bury my head in the sand and wake up when it's all over.if it weren't for jordan and max, mummy would cancel christmas forever. i think even they would if i suggested it, but i want them to be happy this year. they aren't really as excited as they'd normally be. christmas will never be the same for us. i hope in time that we will come to see it as your special time of year, but right now, that's hard. it hurts too much. im not even writing any cards, nor buying presents, except for jordan and max, well, perhaps we might just get you a few special lil bits too ;O) and of course, something for honk. she's getting a blankie bear, the same as the one you have with you, but hers is pink.
this time last year, we were in hospital in oxford. i guess i knew it wasn't good to be in labour, but i never realised it would be like this.
i hope you like your new garden. didn't daddy do well! your tree is so lovely, and our sammy tree at home is too. but it's still all so wrong. we shouldn't have a picture of u as an angel on the top of the tree, we should be having a nightmare with you-constantly trying to pull the tree over. if only :O(
getting past jordan's birthday and not having a show has been a relief. everything with you and baba honk has been so strangely similarwith dates. i am just waiting for it to all start going even more wrong. i just hope she can stay put till past your birthday and xmas day. i can't believe she has so many problems too. why sammy? why 2 poorly babies? oh, i wish i knew she was gonna be ok. please, if there's anything u can do. i shouldn't even ask..i know u will do your best.
i love and miss you so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much sammy.
i hope u r not missing us, like we all do you
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nitey nite Sam!! I cant believe it's nearly been a year... Keep Mummy, Daddy, Jordan, Max, Nanny and especially Hope safe this year!!
xx Aimee
p.s. come visit us in Aus sometime Sammy and try our weather if you get sick of the rain xx
Have A Good Weekend Everyone
If I Knew
If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance to say
our "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.
Thoughts Today Memories Forever
Angela(Christopher-John Rowe)Mum
just a little hello to a special little boy ......
hello sweetpea jams not very well today. He kept me up all night last night poor boy. Im not complaining i know how lucky i am to be having these sleepless nights i know many people would do anything to be in my shoes.
I have you to thank for realising how lucky i am sammy, ill never take my boys for granted again.
Im sure before i would of moaned about being so tired etc but not any more.I enjoy ever second now the bad as well as the good.
Me and jamie came up to your garden yesterday and brought you some flowers.
Im sorry were not coming as often as we were but now the gates close at 4pm and with work and everything there just doesnt seem to be time in the day at the moment, but we will come as often as we can :o)
You know we often think of you and hope your happy looking down.
Me and the boys are going to get a sammy christmas candle to keep and light every christmas in your memory.They say their going to decorate a plate to stand it on and put your name on it, which i thought would be nice.
Any way better go jams not a happy chappy. Keep workin your magic on baby honk. Lots of love kisses and cuddles gorgeous sammy xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
sweetdreams Sam
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_***________JUST____ _____***_
__***_____SENDING___ ___***___
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Have A Good Weekend Everyone
This Tribute Is For Friday Busy Tomorrow
You were a gift sent straight from Heaven.
Given to us from God above.
We didn't know how much you would teach us
About the meaning of true love...
For true love sometimes means letting go
Of someone precious and dear.
That is what we were forced to do...
Although we wanted to keep you here!!!
However, this is quite a selfish wish.
One we know we should ignore...
But, we truly do believe
That God must have needed you more...
Perhaps to be an Angel now,
Full of wisdom and love...
Watching over those of us who love you
From the shining stars above.
We miss you more than you can know.
You will never be replaced...
In our hearts and memories forever,
Will be your sweet and innocent sleeping face.
Each time we see your picture
You seem to smile and say,
“Don’t cry, I’m in God’s hands,
We’ll meet again someday!”
“The Best”
God saw you getting tired
And a cure was not to be.
So He put His arms around you
And He whispered “Come to Me”
With tearful eyes we watched you.
We watched you fade away.
Although we loved you dearly,
We could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
Hard-working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He chose to take the best.
It’s lonesome here without you
We miss you more each day.
Life doesn’t seem the same
Since you have gone away.
When days are sad and lonely
And everything goes wrong,
We seem to hear you whisper
“Cheer Up and Carry On”
Thoughts Today Memories Forever
Angela(Christopher-John Rowe)Mum
14th nov 08
well lil man, i think auntie mary may have said what i was coming here to talk to u about :O)
i have thought of you lots today. i think that this day last year was probably the first time i began to realise that i wasn't going to get to keep you for long.
i'll never forget seeing u in 4d that day. me and auntie mary exchanged photos via text of our handsome boys- jamie just born, and u, all tucked up safe inside mummy with youer thumb in your mouth :O) u looked so much like max on that scan. mummy had happy tears running down her face when i saw how handsome u were.
although i don't think i ever really prepared myself for not bringing you home, i realise now how different things are now that we are getting ready for princess Honk. it really feels like we are going to be having a baby that we will keep. oh sam, i hope i am right.
i love u sunshine. keep looking after us all.im sure u visited your buddy jamie today on his 1st birthday.
sweet dreams
love ya loads
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