| Location | Swindon |
| Age | 0 |
| Date of Birth | 12/2007 |
| Date of Death | 12/2007 |
| Visitors | 8,105 since 04/01/2008 |
| Creator |
Dear friends and family.
If you are visiting Sam's site, then please light a candle to say you have been here (even if you do
not write anything). If you are here then you are still thinking of my lil man, and that means a lot
to me. What I do find odd, is when I hear that people are looking here when I don't realise they
are. Thank you
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TO ALL MY GTS AND SANDS FRIENDS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENDLESS CANDLES FOR MY ANGEL SAM, AND MESSAGES
AND KINDS WORDS. IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME, IM SURE YOU ALL UNDERSTAND, TO HAVE YOUR ANGEL REMEMBERED
(WHEN SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN SO SOON). YOUR ANGELS ALL HAVE A SPECIAL
PLACE IN MY HEART.
WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THAT IN LOSING THE MOST PRECIOUS THING- A CHILD, THAT 'FRIENDS' WOULD DISAPPEAR,
THAT PEOPLE DON'T LOOK YOU IN THE FACE ANYMORE, THEY'D RATHER CROSS THE STREET THAN SAY 'HELLO',
THAT PEOPLE STOP CARING- AS IF NOW SAM'S GONE, MY BATTLE IS OVER, THAT PEOPLE STOP ASKING HOW YOU
ARE- BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR; NOT THAT THERE ARE WORDS TO DESCRIBE THE PAIN.
THANK YOU ALL FOR KEEPING ME SANE (WELL ALMOST), THANK YOU FOR THE CHATS, THE EMAILS, THE TEXTS,
THANK YOU FOR STILL TALKING ABOUT SAM, FOR REASSURING ME THAT EVERYTHING I FEEL IS 'NORMAL' IN OUR
SITUATION.
I ALSO HAVE TO THANK MARY, FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD FRIEND, FOR THE ENDLESS CANDLES,LONG CHATS,
PRESENTS FOR SAM, VISITS TO SAM'S GARDEN, AND FOR LOVING SAM THE SAME AS IF HE WERE STILL HERE.
OF COURSE, I THANK CHRIS, JORDAN AND MAX- MY REASONS FOR STAYING. I COULDN'T GET THROUGH THIS
WITHOUT YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST, MY SAMMY SUNSHINE. OH BABY BOY, I KNOW YOUR STAY ON EARTH WAS SHORT, I WISH WE
GOT TO KEEP YOU HERE WITH US, BUT FOR REASONS I DO NOT YET UNDERSTAND, THAT WASN'T THE WAY IT WORKED
OUT. STILL SAM, I LOVE SO MUCH. DEATH ISN'T ENOUGH TO BREAK OUR BOND, THE LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU IS
HUGE, AND WILL BE FOREVER. IF I COULD CHOSE TO DO IT ALL AGAIN, I WOULD DO IT OVER SAM TO HAVE YOU
IN MY LIFE, EVEN FOR SUCH A SHORT TIME. TILL WE MEET AGAIN BABY BOY, I LOVE YOU SON XX XX XX XX XX
XX XX XX XX
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its so hard to write about my little mans life and what he meant to us in such a short space, but
here goes;
the 8th of october was the day our world came crashing down. we went for our routine 20 week scan. i
was so pleased to be told that i was having a little boy. i knew max (aged 6) was desperate for a
brother, and i knew jordan (then aged 7 ) would love a brother or sister.
something was wrong! i can remember thinking oh no, hes got a hole in his heart- if only that was
all it was. the sonographer called for her collegue, then they called for a consultant. now i knew
we were in trouble.
we were told quite bluntly, that our son had a diapragmatic hernia. this meant his diapragm hadnt
formed properly earlier in the pregnancy which meant that his bowels and his stomach were in his
chest. this had caused our babys heart to be misplaced on the right and leaves less room for normal
lung development. we were told then that his chances were about 50:50.
i felt i needed to give my baby a nice strong name. we had been considering sam, oscar and fraser.
jordan and max liked sam the most. i looked the meanings up in the baby name book. samuel means: god
has heard, and samson means: against all odds (which sam would be- so we hoped). so we decided on
sam; a combination of both names.
we were referred to the john radcliffe hospital the next day. we had another scan and an
amniocentisis. this was to rule out any other abnormalities which would have meant our little boy
stood no chance. we met dr lawrence impey for the first time. we were to see this man a great deal
more during the pregnancy. i thank him for his honesty throughout.
we were told that sams condition was at the worst end of the scale and therefore his chances were
less than 50%, more like 30%.
dr impey told us about an experimental treatment that was being carried out by expert and wonderful
man, professor nicolaides. it was suggested that because of the severity of sams condition he would
be a good candidate. we were reffered to kings hospital in london, and met with the lovely dr jacque
jani. again, i thank him for his honesty and kindness throughout. an expert in the condition, dr
jani told us that sams hernia was very severe and he also had liver in his chest. he told us that
without the operation, sams chances of survival were about 5%. sams lung to head ratio at this time
was measured at 0.4 (it should be 2.5-3.5).
we agreed to have the FETO treatment, which involved putting sam to sleep, then through my tummy
putting a camera in along a tube, then placing a balloon in sams trachea (with the aim to increase
lung growth). this was the most painful thing i have ever been through, but i thought it was going
to help my little sam. all seemed to have gone well. weekly scans from then on showed sams lung to
head ratio gradually rise to 0.9 then even 1.1. i really thought things were looking up.
on the 10th of december, on my daughters 8th birthday, i had a show. i knew this was bad news being
only 29 weeks pregnant. i put on a brave face till the celebrations were over. then i called the
hospital. they said not to worry.
on the 11th of december, i went to watch my sons nativity play- he was reading the part of joesph.
then i went to see my midwife. she sent me straight to oxford hospital. i was monitored, and during
my time there, starting having contractions. i was given drugs to stop the labour, and sam was given
steroids to mature his lungs. after 3 days, all had pretty much settled down (though not completely
stopped) and i was discharged from hospital. scare over - or so i thought.
on 19th of december of december,my waters broke at 10.30 pm. i rang oxford, but there were no
special care beds. i had to go to the local hospital -gwh, and was then transfered by ambulance to
kings in london. thank you to all the lovely staff at gwh.
on the 20th, i saw dr jani and professor nicolaides who scanned me and decided it was safe for me to
return home to spend christmas with my family. the loss of amniotic fluid was a result of the feto
operation and baby sams surrounding fluids were still ok. then on the 22nd of december, i woke up
in the morning, this time my waters really had gone. i was once again transferred by ambulance to
kings. this time i knew i was staying. i went into labour.
baby sam still had his balloon in from the feto operation. this should have been removed before he
was born. dr jani was going to puncture the balloon on the 23rd of december, but during the hour
before the operation, sams heartbeat slowed down for 7 minutes. i nearly had a c-section. then sam
perked up again, but the professor decided it was to risky to do the procedure and the balloon would
have to be removed after sam was born.
it broke my heart that i could not be with jordan and max on christmas eve, and that i needed daddy
there too, because baby sam was coming. thank you to nanny and bo-bo nanny and uncle roy for looking
after them.
my baby boy came into the world at 7.38 pm on christmas eve, weighing 3lb, 1oz. i saw his arm shoot
up in the air. this is the only time i saw my baby boy move. dr jani punctured sams balloon, but it
was over 4 minutes befre they were able to get any oxygen into sam.
sam was whisked away.
later that evening we were told that it was unlikely sam would make it. i didnt believe he would
die. we went and sat with him. he was all wired up and we couldnt even see him properly, but he
looked strong to me. we stayed with him till the early hours of the morning.
we woke up christmas morning. i thought, no news is good news. sam had made it through the night. we
went to see him. things were looking worse. he was going to die. he was going to die on christmas
day. i called home and arranged for my family to come to see sam. i urged sam to hold on till his
brother and sister reached him. he couldnt wait though. he died in my arms between 11:40-11:45. i
told him it was ok to stop fighting, and that he could go. now ive changed my mind its not ok. my
heart is now broken.
i had to break jordan and maxs hearts too. when they arrived at the hospital, excited to see their
new brother, i had to tell them he had died.
we spent the rest of the day with sam in a private room. i got him dressed and we all cuddled him.
he was and always be the best christmas present ever!
i never got to see his eyes open. i am so sad. i miss my little boy. i want him back!
1st Angelversary
Thinking of you beautiful Sam on this your 1st angel anniversary.
Wishing your lovely family comfort and Peace on this very sad and difficult day.
God bless you little Christmas Star.
Your family and you are so much in my thoughts today, and once again I shall light a candle for you this evening (along with one for Joshie). Wish there was more I could do Sammy.
Glad to hear Honkie is growing and doing well still - that's great. This song I can hear now on your site (Bleeding Love) was on the radio lots when I found out Joshua was very porrly inside me. I cried and cried whenever I heard it. It was the perfect song for you and Josh, our angel babies, for me and your Mummy's point of view.
Much love and hugs to you precious Cherub, and to all your family (especially Mummy - she is amazing).
Rachel xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Happy Angelversary sweetpea ......
.... and merry christmas.
Wonder what your up to bet its great fun up there.
Did you get lots and lots of presents this morning ?
Bet you and your lil buddies will have a fun time today.
Watch over mummy, daddy , jordan, max and lil honkie.
I hope today is easy on them sweetpea.
Well its crazy here this morning as you can imagine matt and dan are playing their new games on the wii whilest eating chocolate for breakfast (the only day of the year they are allowed to do that. )
Jam has opened his presents and had his weetabix and is now back in bed (he loves his morning snooze still.)
They had lots of nice toys and things but jamie found a pot of vicks vapour rub on matt and dans floor and was most impressed with that more than anything else really :O) he carried it round all morning lol!
Oh sam wish it wasnt like this :O(
Missing you sweetpea.
We will light your candle again later today the boys did a good job of decorating it didnt they.
XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX
hmm, apparently i wrote too much on the last part
I was thinking that 2moro would be the worst of the 2 days, but actually, today has been pretty awful :O(
Mummy and Daddy have spent a lot of time at your garden, and a lot of time talking about you, and about what we were doing this time last year...I think the hardest thing about today is the emptyness. At least hopefully 2moro the day might go faster because Jordan and Max will have lots of lovely presents. You have some more too and i think even Santa may bring you something ;O)
For the record, this time last year, Mummy had finally made it to your cot by about now. It took a while before I could get to you. You looked so big and strong and brave. But we couldn't even see what you looked like for all the wires and your big hat.
Oh Sammy, i could tell you were handsome though. Such long legs, and oh, jsut everything- your big handies.
Daddy said something today...it was that we shouldn't have left you. We shouldn't have- if only we'd known that you were only going to be here for such a short time, we'd not have left you for one second. We'd have taken more pictures too. If only we could turn back time hey? You know, I wouldn't have let you go again!
Well, i guess we had quite good Honkie news today- so thank you if you had anything to do with that. So today she weighs 3lb4oz and she is 32 weeks gestation. You were just 3 days less than her and weighed 3lb1oz, so there's probably not much in it between the 2 of you. I can't help wondering if she'll look like you too. She probably will. you were the image of Max. We'll see. I hope she's gonna be ok Sammy. I really can't believe we have another poorly baby.
Today has been a very long day. Mummy is very tired. I hope Jordan and Max won't be up too early in the morning. I hope I can hold back the tears better than i have today- of course we'll be thinking of you lots and lots and we'll be spending time at your garden too. We're going down to Nanny's house for a lil while, and to have dinner, but to be honest, I will be very glad when 2moro is over. I can't believe it's been a whole year Sammy :O(
Happy birthday my beautiful son
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Happy Birthday!
Hello Birthday boy!!!
Well, what a day! I hope you have had a nice day. This is the day Mummy has been dreading for so long. It's so hard with it being xmas- the whole build up to it.
Waking up this morning, i knew today would be full of tears, because I couldn't reach into your cot and hold you, and sing happy birthday to you, and spoil you all day long. We've tried our best to make it special, but really without you here, it's been very very hard.
I hope you like your ninky nonk and your special boy snow globe. It's really not good having to find things that will last at your garden. Aren't your balloons fantastic! I will post a photo of them all on here sometime soon. You've had some lovely cards and some very special presents today- you really have touched some people's hearts- there really are some special people out there too Sammy- not who you'd expect to care so much, i guess that makes them even more special though. They know who they are.
Im not even going there about those who should but don't- I'm not stupid. I know people don't make announcements like nanny said- i just know they don't ever bother. There's no point in standing at your grave and ...i can't even be bothered :O( i know it's months- their loss. Wierd though to think they'd all have been here today if you were here. I just hope they don't all of a sudden think they can come back when Hope's here, when they can't even be bothered to - well Nothing!!!
It sure was nice round Auntie Mary's. I hope you liked your cake. A bit sickly hey! Can you believe Mummy droppped it? Good job we'd all had some anyway. It was a lovely lil tea party, I just wish you were there too!!!!!
Mind you- like Auntie Mary said...perhaps you did let Mummy know you were about today??? I really thought Jamie had called me, but according to Auntie Mary, that's not possible.
I was thinking that 2moro would be the worst of the 2 days, but actually, today has been pretty awful :O(
Mummy and Daddy have spent a lot of time at your garden, and a lot of time talking about you, and about what we were doing this time last year...I think the hardest thing about today is the emptyness. At least hopefully 2moro the day might go faster because Jordan and Max will have lots of lovely presents. You have some more too and i think even Santa may bring you something ;O)
For the record, this time last year, Mummy had finally made it to your cot by about now. It took a while before I could get to you. You looked so big and strong and brave. But we couldn't even see what you looked like for all the wires and your big hat.
Oh Sammy, i could tell you were handsome though. Such long legs, and oh, jsut everything- your big handies.
Daddy said something today...it was that we shouldn't have left you. We shouldn't have- if only we'd known that you were only going to be here for such a short time, we'd not have left you for one second. We'd have taken more pictures too. If only we could turn back time hey? You know, I wouldn't have let you go again!
me again ;o)........
.... just in case you were wondering what that lil bag of oats and glitter is for up at your garden sam.
Its reindeer food :O)
You sprinkle it around for the reindeer to eat while father christmas delivers your presents and the magic glitter helps him see where he can land and park his sleigh.
Matthew has just helped dan and jamie sprinkle theirs in the back garden and jordan and max have just left with theirs too so couldnt leave you out.
We have just had a lil get together which was lovely well as it could be considering :O(
I wont write any more in case mummy wants to write about it.
And fancy that with mine and mummys phones .... um got to be an angel at work i think you knew i wouldnt mind you using mine lol! And how weird where i was at the time hey .... ;o)
I hope you liked the birthday boy ballon we got for you today and the lil ballon confetti.
I wish i could of done more for you sam.:o(
Your sorely missed lil fella and always will be.
NIGHT NIGHT SLEEP TIGHT Stay close to mummy and i would say give her a sign but i think we know you already have you clever boy. XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX
Happy Birthday
Happy 1st Birthday Sam!
your family miss you so much sweetheart. You are in Paradise, but because you are, it means that they are suffering here without you. They only hurt so much because they love you so much. You were so very loved - some people live long lives and never get to be as loved as you were in your life. And the love lives on forever.
I am thinking of you and your family especially your brave and wonderful Mummy. she has come a long way in this year hasn't she Sam? You must be very proud of her. Send your special comforting presence to your Mummy, Daddy, brother, sister and baby sister today and tomorrow especailly (well I know you will!)
Love and hugs to you all. Hope you are having a lovely birthday celebration in Heaven with all your angel friends including my Joshua. You are a little bit older than him so he may need some help! And if you see his grandma, my Mum, I know she will give you a big cuddle from me.
God bless Sam, and all your family.
Rachel, David, James & Joshua XxXx
Birthday wishes ......
Happy birthday special sammy.
What a big boy you must be getting now.
I cant beleive its a year already.
You know i wish with all my heart things had been different and you were here tearing around the house causeing mayhem on your birthday. But i bet your having a great time up there.
Lets hope today your special day can bring mummy and daddy some good news about honk they certainly derserve some hey sweetpea.
Lots and lots of birthday kisses and cuddles xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Make sure you get to bed nice an early tonight before father christmas comes round wonder what he`ll bring you ......so exciting:O) xxxxx
happy 1st bithday sam !
happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday to sam
happy birthday to you xxx
i hope you have a special day lil man and all your friends throw you a nice party. i no your mummy would be making your day extra special if you was here to share this special time with your family.
we no that you are always around watching over mummy and family keep at this lil man they miss you so much . us mummies should be looking so forward to our babies 1st birthday and occasions but it is very difficult for us . i hope you liked your bagde caitlin brought you xxx
thinking of you always you are so special love nicola and caitlin xxx
18th dec
Missing you so much Sammy :O(
Wish i could put the brakes on and stop it being a year :O( so long since we were together, so long since you were safe inside. Feeling your lil sister inside me now is so strange, knowing that this time last year, it was you in there, same size, same gestation (well, what's 3-4 days?).
I had to ring those stupid blooming people again. How many times do i have to tell them you are dead? why are they doing this? :O(
I bottled it today and missed jordan and max's sing-a-long. i feel so guilty. i really didn't want to go cause i knew i'd cry, but i may as well have gone cause i have been crying anyway.
oh i miss you so much.
oh, did u see what tia sent u though? lovely hey! a special sam snowflake for your special tree :O)
and rachel bought you something round today as well. i've not opened it yet though- that's for xmas day. funny isn't it...the people who do care! well, we've certainly learnt a lot- though i'd rather be none the wiser and have u here of course!
well, feel a bit better for getting that out. i've had a mopey/cry day today and im not even dressed yet. im looking forward to jordan and max barging through the door, no doubt arguing, throwing all their things all over the place- i can't wait :O)
and it's about time i saw you in my dreams- it's been a while.
miss you
and am so proud to call you my son
love you
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Hi Sam sorry its been a while.
I have been thinking about you a lot lately because its christmas and your birthday.
But i have been to visit your garden with my mum sometimes but its hard now with the weird times that your garden is open.
We have bought a special sammy candle to light over christmas to remember yoou withand we are going to keep it and relight it every yearat christmas time to remember you to think about you and how you should have been here too.
My mum told me that your christmas tree at home has got a picture of you on top of it as a christmas angel i think thats really cool because you are the best christmas angel.
bye bye number one angel good night.
NOW IVE GOT MY OWN LOG IN I WILL COME AGAIN SOON TO LIGHT YOU ANUTHER CANDEL
(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)
:o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o) :o):o) :o) :o) :o)
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