| Location | Swindon |
| Age | 0 |
| Date of Birth | 12/2007 |
| Date of Death | 12/2007 |
| Visitors | 8,104 since 04/01/2008 |
| Creator |
Dear friends and family.
If you are visiting Sam's site, then please light a candle to say you have been here (even if you do
not write anything). If you are here then you are still thinking of my lil man, and that means a lot
to me. What I do find odd, is when I hear that people are looking here when I don't realise they
are. Thank you
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TO ALL MY GTS AND SANDS FRIENDS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENDLESS CANDLES FOR MY ANGEL SAM, AND MESSAGES
AND KINDS WORDS. IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME, IM SURE YOU ALL UNDERSTAND, TO HAVE YOUR ANGEL REMEMBERED
(WHEN SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN SO SOON). YOUR ANGELS ALL HAVE A SPECIAL
PLACE IN MY HEART.
WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THAT IN LOSING THE MOST PRECIOUS THING- A CHILD, THAT 'FRIENDS' WOULD DISAPPEAR,
THAT PEOPLE DON'T LOOK YOU IN THE FACE ANYMORE, THEY'D RATHER CROSS THE STREET THAN SAY 'HELLO',
THAT PEOPLE STOP CARING- AS IF NOW SAM'S GONE, MY BATTLE IS OVER, THAT PEOPLE STOP ASKING HOW YOU
ARE- BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR; NOT THAT THERE ARE WORDS TO DESCRIBE THE PAIN.
THANK YOU ALL FOR KEEPING ME SANE (WELL ALMOST), THANK YOU FOR THE CHATS, THE EMAILS, THE TEXTS,
THANK YOU FOR STILL TALKING ABOUT SAM, FOR REASSURING ME THAT EVERYTHING I FEEL IS 'NORMAL' IN OUR
SITUATION.
I ALSO HAVE TO THANK MARY, FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD FRIEND, FOR THE ENDLESS CANDLES,LONG CHATS,
PRESENTS FOR SAM, VISITS TO SAM'S GARDEN, AND FOR LOVING SAM THE SAME AS IF HE WERE STILL HERE.
OF COURSE, I THANK CHRIS, JORDAN AND MAX- MY REASONS FOR STAYING. I COULDN'T GET THROUGH THIS
WITHOUT YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST, MY SAMMY SUNSHINE. OH BABY BOY, I KNOW YOUR STAY ON EARTH WAS SHORT, I WISH WE
GOT TO KEEP YOU HERE WITH US, BUT FOR REASONS I DO NOT YET UNDERSTAND, THAT WASN'T THE WAY IT WORKED
OUT. STILL SAM, I LOVE SO MUCH. DEATH ISN'T ENOUGH TO BREAK OUR BOND, THE LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU IS
HUGE, AND WILL BE FOREVER. IF I COULD CHOSE TO DO IT ALL AGAIN, I WOULD DO IT OVER SAM TO HAVE YOU
IN MY LIFE, EVEN FOR SUCH A SHORT TIME. TILL WE MEET AGAIN BABY BOY, I LOVE YOU SON XX XX XX XX XX
XX XX XX XX
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its so hard to write about my little mans life and what he meant to us in such a short space, but
here goes;
the 8th of october was the day our world came crashing down. we went for our routine 20 week scan. i
was so pleased to be told that i was having a little boy. i knew max (aged 6) was desperate for a
brother, and i knew jordan (then aged 7 ) would love a brother or sister.
something was wrong! i can remember thinking oh no, hes got a hole in his heart- if only that was
all it was. the sonographer called for her collegue, then they called for a consultant. now i knew
we were in trouble.
we were told quite bluntly, that our son had a diapragmatic hernia. this meant his diapragm hadnt
formed properly earlier in the pregnancy which meant that his bowels and his stomach were in his
chest. this had caused our babys heart to be misplaced on the right and leaves less room for normal
lung development. we were told then that his chances were about 50:50.
i felt i needed to give my baby a nice strong name. we had been considering sam, oscar and fraser.
jordan and max liked sam the most. i looked the meanings up in the baby name book. samuel means: god
has heard, and samson means: against all odds (which sam would be- so we hoped). so we decided on
sam; a combination of both names.
we were referred to the john radcliffe hospital the next day. we had another scan and an
amniocentisis. this was to rule out any other abnormalities which would have meant our little boy
stood no chance. we met dr lawrence impey for the first time. we were to see this man a great deal
more during the pregnancy. i thank him for his honesty throughout.
we were told that sams condition was at the worst end of the scale and therefore his chances were
less than 50%, more like 30%.
dr impey told us about an experimental treatment that was being carried out by expert and wonderful
man, professor nicolaides. it was suggested that because of the severity of sams condition he would
be a good candidate. we were reffered to kings hospital in london, and met with the lovely dr jacque
jani. again, i thank him for his honesty and kindness throughout. an expert in the condition, dr
jani told us that sams hernia was very severe and he also had liver in his chest. he told us that
without the operation, sams chances of survival were about 5%. sams lung to head ratio at this time
was measured at 0.4 (it should be 2.5-3.5).
we agreed to have the FETO treatment, which involved putting sam to sleep, then through my tummy
putting a camera in along a tube, then placing a balloon in sams trachea (with the aim to increase
lung growth). this was the most painful thing i have ever been through, but i thought it was going
to help my little sam. all seemed to have gone well. weekly scans from then on showed sams lung to
head ratio gradually rise to 0.9 then even 1.1. i really thought things were looking up.
on the 10th of december, on my daughters 8th birthday, i had a show. i knew this was bad news being
only 29 weeks pregnant. i put on a brave face till the celebrations were over. then i called the
hospital. they said not to worry.
on the 11th of december, i went to watch my sons nativity play- he was reading the part of joesph.
then i went to see my midwife. she sent me straight to oxford hospital. i was monitored, and during
my time there, starting having contractions. i was given drugs to stop the labour, and sam was given
steroids to mature his lungs. after 3 days, all had pretty much settled down (though not completely
stopped) and i was discharged from hospital. scare over - or so i thought.
on 19th of december of december,my waters broke at 10.30 pm. i rang oxford, but there were no
special care beds. i had to go to the local hospital -gwh, and was then transfered by ambulance to
kings in london. thank you to all the lovely staff at gwh.
on the 20th, i saw dr jani and professor nicolaides who scanned me and decided it was safe for me to
return home to spend christmas with my family. the loss of amniotic fluid was a result of the feto
operation and baby sams surrounding fluids were still ok. then on the 22nd of december, i woke up
in the morning, this time my waters really had gone. i was once again transferred by ambulance to
kings. this time i knew i was staying. i went into labour.
baby sam still had his balloon in from the feto operation. this should have been removed before he
was born. dr jani was going to puncture the balloon on the 23rd of december, but during the hour
before the operation, sams heartbeat slowed down for 7 minutes. i nearly had a c-section. then sam
perked up again, but the professor decided it was to risky to do the procedure and the balloon would
have to be removed after sam was born.
it broke my heart that i could not be with jordan and max on christmas eve, and that i needed daddy
there too, because baby sam was coming. thank you to nanny and bo-bo nanny and uncle roy for looking
after them.
my baby boy came into the world at 7.38 pm on christmas eve, weighing 3lb, 1oz. i saw his arm shoot
up in the air. this is the only time i saw my baby boy move. dr jani punctured sams balloon, but it
was over 4 minutes befre they were able to get any oxygen into sam.
sam was whisked away.
later that evening we were told that it was unlikely sam would make it. i didnt believe he would
die. we went and sat with him. he was all wired up and we couldnt even see him properly, but he
looked strong to me. we stayed with him till the early hours of the morning.
we woke up christmas morning. i thought, no news is good news. sam had made it through the night. we
went to see him. things were looking worse. he was going to die. he was going to die on christmas
day. i called home and arranged for my family to come to see sam. i urged sam to hold on till his
brother and sister reached him. he couldnt wait though. he died in my arms between 11:40-11:45. i
told him it was ok to stop fighting, and that he could go. now ive changed my mind its not ok. my
heart is now broken.
i had to break jordan and maxs hearts too. when they arrived at the hospital, excited to see their
new brother, i had to tell them he had died.
we spent the rest of the day with sam in a private room. i got him dressed and we all cuddled him.
he was and always be the best christmas present ever!
i never got to see his eyes open. i am so sad. i miss my little boy. i want him back!
SHES HERE .....
Shes here sammy and both hope and mummy are doing well.:O)
4LB 14OZ and born at 9.59am.
Im so happy mummy rang and i could hear lil hope in the background.
She did all the things she should she cried and wasnt whisked away and got given straight to mummy.
So spread the news sweetpea your a big bro now :O) big kisses XXXXX
waiting to hear ......
right now as im writing this mummy and daddy are in the theatre having your baby sister, mummy text me to say she was all ready and just being taken down.
I cant wait to hear.
i told mummy i was going to do lots of cleaning to keep myself busy this morning but in fact all ive done is stare at my phone lol !
Its 10am and i reckon she could well be hear now with mummy and daddy :O)
I know everything thats been said about your sisters problems but i think its all going to be ok.
Mummy doesnt ask for much she just wants her to be able to fed and breath for herself and will cross the other bridges later on if they need to be crossed but fingers crossed they wont.
Your mummy will be so mad at me staying this cos she hates being called STRONG and BRAVE but she SOOOO IS and has dealt with everything thats been thrown at her with such strenth of character. When you say that to her to she always says well i have to , i dont want to.
But she really is a wonderful person you know but not sure she can see that herself ....maybe that just adds to how special she is hey :O)
Well cant wait to meet the little lady princess honkie and im sure you`ll be watching down on your little sister too helping her along.
Lots and lots of love to you sammy xxxxx
27th January 09
Hello my Sunshine
Well, Jordan was really impressed with her sign from you today (the password she was sent was 'sunshine'). She was a bit jealous after Max had his lovely sign from you on his birthday- just as he'd asked for. And what a lovely white angel feather to send at your garden- a very clear sign if ever there was one. Well done.Mummy could do with one right now- one to let me know everything's going to be ok tomorrow good!
I know you will be there with Mummy and Daddy and watching of your lil sister. Oh,Sam,if there is anything you can do, please let your little sister be ok. Don't let them snatch her away like they did you. Don't there there be no cry again. Don't let there be panic in the room.
I guess im gonna have to take off my locket 2moro to go into theatre, but if i can,i'll get daddy to put it in his pocket so u r really there with us. if not, i know u will be there anyway
I was really pleased to be able to get you an in the night garden balloon. I hope you do like it. I had planned to get you all that stuff when u were here. Jamie loves it too.
Missing you as always
Night night baby boy
Love you more
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"Have You Ever?" by Ruth Sparrey
Have you ever stood and looked up into the clear night sky
Wondering if your little soul is out there dancing amid the countless others?
Have you ever looked into the face of another and read the lines so finely etched?
Have you ever looked between the words that have not been spoken?
Have you ever felt like the protective lioness that has nothing to protect?
Have you ever left your known existence to walk another path?
Have you ever cried endless tears, alone and broken?
Have you ever shared purest love, love that you would not normally express?
Have you ever felt something grow but have it taken away before its flower?
Have you ever watched a child and thought this is what it should be?
Have you ever been part of a conversation in which you do not fit?
Have you ever had to climb an emotional mountain, never to reach the summit?
Have you ever nurtured a memory in order to give life to the already departed?
Have you ever been asked how you are feeling and known that the question was real?
Have you ever been kept awake for fear that someone else in your world will leave you?
Have you ever caught a moment and cherished it for the peace that it brings?
Have you ever smiled and danced in the rain knowing that one day you will rise?
Have you ever just simply breathed to let yourself be free?
Have you ever hidden away from the world, just for a while, so that you can face another day?
Have you ever found comfort from the gentle flicker of a simple flame?
Have you ever held out your hand to another, knowing that this is the only thing you can do?
Have you ever felt your blessing is not understood for what it should be?
Have you ever stood and looked up into the clear night sky
Knowing that your little soul is out there dancing in the company of others?
happy new year.
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$$$$$$$$$$$$… Dear … … …$
$$$$$$$$$$$… Friend …$
$$$$$$$$$$… xxxx …$
$$$$$$$$$$$… Happy… …… $
$$$$$$$$$$$$… new Year! …$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$… … … 2009 ……$
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… … … … … … $ LOVE TO YOU AND YOUR ANGEL SAM XX
Hello Sammy Sunshine
Sorry i didn't light a candle for your angelversary but my other half (garry) was very poorly and we had to go to hospital. Hope you had a wonderful christmas day with lots of fun and presents with the other angels. I really hope that mummy is ok and that little hope isn't giving her too much trouble in her tummy.
Lots of love, hugs and special kisses to you.
Trish OU
For Sam and all his family
Your hands as gentle as a breeze
On a cold winter’s day.
Ribbons of love fold between your fingers,
Baby colours rest upon your skin
Like the softness of you.
Pale shades connect my thoughts to you.
Our souls bound by ribbons of love.
Obviously yesterday Mummy and Daddy were doing the 'this time last year..'thing again a lot. One of the hardest things ever was leaving you there. I really don't know how we did it. Max couldn't leave you though- i really don't think he could believe that you were not coming home. We had to convinve him it was ok to leave you, and must have somehow got roped into ourselves.
We spent quite a bit of time at your garden again yesterday. I really like being there- being close to you. I wish we could get a bench there. We came and spent time there at the time you went to heaven, and then on the way back from Nanny's. Time just goes so quickly there- not for Jordan and Max- they do get noisy there, and then bored when we try to get them to behave, but they were good yesterday. I just like being there, being close to where you are resting, but on the otherhand i find it frustrating..to be that close physically and not be able to touch you- 'just one more time' i say to Daddy. 'If i could only have one last cuddle..' Truth is though- I know I'd never be albe to have one last touch/hold/look/kiss, because i know how much it hurts to live without it, and I'd never let you go again.
Mummy has her new CD on from Max, it's Duffy. These words are giving mummy tears;'i call out your name,...this time, be different, please stay, don't go, please stay, please stay, don't go, please please stay' :O( nice song though- another 'sam song'.
Oh, lovely...I hear Max's door opening and his heavy footsteps- here he comes down the stairs to brighten up my day. Oh and the rat is here too :O) I'd better go Sammy. I love you. Have a lovely day in heaven, but be sure to come and be close to Mummy too during the day- perhaps call? LOL only auntie mary and you will get that ;O)
Love you sunshine...to heaven and back!!!!!
Max says did you have a nice Christmas? I told him i'm sure you did.
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Boxing day continued- mummy wrote too much again
...Obviously yesterday Mummy and Daddy were doing the 'this time last year..'thing again a lot. One of the hardest things ever was leaving you there. I really don't know how we did it. Max couldn't leave you though- i really don't think he could believe that you were not coming home. We had to convinve him it was ok to leave you, and must have somehow got roped into ourselves.
We spent quite a bit of time at your garden again yesterday. I really like being there- being close to you. I wish we could get a bench there. We came and spent time there at the time you went to heaven, and then on the way back from Nanny's. Time just goes so quickly there- not for Jordan and Max- they do get noisy there, and then bored when we try to get them to behave, but they were good yesterday. I just like being there, being close to where you are resting, but on the otherhand i find it frustrating..to be that close physically and not be able to touch you- 'just one more time' i say to Daddy. 'If i could only have one last cuddle..' Truth is though- I know I'd never be albe to have one last touch/hold/look/kiss, because i know how much it hurts to live without it, and I'd never let you go again.
Mummy has her new CD on from Max, it's Duffy. These words are giving mummy tears;'i call out your name,...this time, be different, please stay, don't go, please stay, please stay, don't go, please please stay' :O( nice song though- another 'sam song'.
Oh, lovely...I hear Max's door opening and his heavy footsteps- here he comes down the stairs to brighten up my day. Oh and the rat is here too :O) I'd better go Sammy. I love you. Have a lovely day in heaven, but be sure to come and be close to Mummy too during the day- perhaps call? LOL only auntie mary and you will get that ;O)
Love you sunshine...to heaven and back!!!!!
Max says did you have a nice Christmas? I told him i'm sure you did.
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Boxing day
Morning Sunshine
Well, i was doing ok till I came here. Such lovely messages hey! It's funny, I even had emails to open today from people who I've never met- you know the lady who made the 'sam doll' and someone I met from the open university pregnancy forum- just to say that they were thinking of us. You sure are special. I know Granny had made a donation to the church and arranged for you to have a candle lit at church yesterday, and Jo and Ellen sent me a message also to say they'd lit a candle for you too. we had some lovely birthday cards and presents and texts and messages on facebook, wishing you a happy birthday and to say people were thinking of us. We got loads of xmas cards that included you. Sadly there was also a great deal of ignornance- but we're used to that now and why I thought it might be any different- silly me.
Mummy woke up at half 5 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Well, such a big buid up to your special days...I don't know what I thought was going to happen...I guess I thought maybe these 2 Christmas days were going to be more awful than all the other days without you... or that after a year I'd feel differently?..Whatever! Nothing's changed. I STILL MISS YOU! i STILL HATE WAKING UP EVERY MORNING WITHOUT YOU HERE. I STILL GO TO BED AND SNUGGLE INTO THE BLANKET YOU DIED IN- TRYING TO SAVOUR YOU- TO BREATH YOU IN. I STILL LAY AT NIGHT LOOKING AT YOUR PHOTO WONDERING,;TRYING TO IMAGINE WHAT YOU'D LOOK LIKE NOW. That's not going to change is it? Ever!
We went to Nanny's yesterday for dinner. She did a lovely dinner and we got some really lovely presents. Mummy kept it together. I don't think that was expected, but in all, I probably did better yesterday than your birthday. I know Nanny and Bo-bo Nanny were struggling, Im used to being brave now though. My mask is well worn. I also was able to appreciate being with your brother and sister and Daddy- If only you were here too- then it would be perfect. If I could have a wish, a wish that would come true..I'd pray to God with all my heart for yesterday and You.
Mind you, it's hard now- you know, because I love baby Hope so much too- yet in reality, if you were, she wouldn't be. But then, I guess wishes are wishes, and i could wish for all 4 of you ;O) maybe baby Hope would have come along anyway, just a lil later.
I guess now the year is done, I can try to look forward to the new year. I've heard, the year is a huge milestone, and although i realise nothing's actually changed, i had felt that i couldn't see past it. But now, well, we have a new baby coming. Oh, I hope she's ok. I mean, i know she's gonna have problems, i just hope with all my heart that i get to keep her and bring her home and all that i didn't get to do with you. ....
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