| Location | Swindon |
| Age | 0 |
| Date of Birth | 12/2007 |
| Date of Death | 12/2007 |
| Visitors | 8,105 since 04/01/2008 |
| Creator |
Dear friends and family.
If you are visiting Sam's site, then please light a candle to say you have been here (even if you do
not write anything). If you are here then you are still thinking of my lil man, and that means a lot
to me. What I do find odd, is when I hear that people are looking here when I don't realise they
are. Thank you
**************************************************
TO ALL MY GTS AND SANDS FRIENDS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENDLESS CANDLES FOR MY ANGEL SAM, AND MESSAGES
AND KINDS WORDS. IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME, IM SURE YOU ALL UNDERSTAND, TO HAVE YOUR ANGEL REMEMBERED
(WHEN SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN SO SOON). YOUR ANGELS ALL HAVE A SPECIAL
PLACE IN MY HEART.
WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THAT IN LOSING THE MOST PRECIOUS THING- A CHILD, THAT 'FRIENDS' WOULD DISAPPEAR,
THAT PEOPLE DON'T LOOK YOU IN THE FACE ANYMORE, THEY'D RATHER CROSS THE STREET THAN SAY 'HELLO',
THAT PEOPLE STOP CARING- AS IF NOW SAM'S GONE, MY BATTLE IS OVER, THAT PEOPLE STOP ASKING HOW YOU
ARE- BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR; NOT THAT THERE ARE WORDS TO DESCRIBE THE PAIN.
THANK YOU ALL FOR KEEPING ME SANE (WELL ALMOST), THANK YOU FOR THE CHATS, THE EMAILS, THE TEXTS,
THANK YOU FOR STILL TALKING ABOUT SAM, FOR REASSURING ME THAT EVERYTHING I FEEL IS 'NORMAL' IN OUR
SITUATION.
I ALSO HAVE TO THANK MARY, FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD FRIEND, FOR THE ENDLESS CANDLES,LONG CHATS,
PRESENTS FOR SAM, VISITS TO SAM'S GARDEN, AND FOR LOVING SAM THE SAME AS IF HE WERE STILL HERE.
OF COURSE, I THANK CHRIS, JORDAN AND MAX- MY REASONS FOR STAYING. I COULDN'T GET THROUGH THIS
WITHOUT YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST, MY SAMMY SUNSHINE. OH BABY BOY, I KNOW YOUR STAY ON EARTH WAS SHORT, I WISH WE
GOT TO KEEP YOU HERE WITH US, BUT FOR REASONS I DO NOT YET UNDERSTAND, THAT WASN'T THE WAY IT WORKED
OUT. STILL SAM, I LOVE SO MUCH. DEATH ISN'T ENOUGH TO BREAK OUR BOND, THE LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU IS
HUGE, AND WILL BE FOREVER. IF I COULD CHOSE TO DO IT ALL AGAIN, I WOULD DO IT OVER SAM TO HAVE YOU
IN MY LIFE, EVEN FOR SUCH A SHORT TIME. TILL WE MEET AGAIN BABY BOY, I LOVE YOU SON XX XX XX XX XX
XX XX XX XX
***********************************************************
its so hard to write about my little mans life and what he meant to us in such a short space, but
here goes;
the 8th of october was the day our world came crashing down. we went for our routine 20 week scan. i
was so pleased to be told that i was having a little boy. i knew max (aged 6) was desperate for a
brother, and i knew jordan (then aged 7 ) would love a brother or sister.
something was wrong! i can remember thinking oh no, hes got a hole in his heart- if only that was
all it was. the sonographer called for her collegue, then they called for a consultant. now i knew
we were in trouble.
we were told quite bluntly, that our son had a diapragmatic hernia. this meant his diapragm hadnt
formed properly earlier in the pregnancy which meant that his bowels and his stomach were in his
chest. this had caused our babys heart to be misplaced on the right and leaves less room for normal
lung development. we were told then that his chances were about 50:50.
i felt i needed to give my baby a nice strong name. we had been considering sam, oscar and fraser.
jordan and max liked sam the most. i looked the meanings up in the baby name book. samuel means: god
has heard, and samson means: against all odds (which sam would be- so we hoped). so we decided on
sam; a combination of both names.
we were referred to the john radcliffe hospital the next day. we had another scan and an
amniocentisis. this was to rule out any other abnormalities which would have meant our little boy
stood no chance. we met dr lawrence impey for the first time. we were to see this man a great deal
more during the pregnancy. i thank him for his honesty throughout.
we were told that sams condition was at the worst end of the scale and therefore his chances were
less than 50%, more like 30%.
dr impey told us about an experimental treatment that was being carried out by expert and wonderful
man, professor nicolaides. it was suggested that because of the severity of sams condition he would
be a good candidate. we were reffered to kings hospital in london, and met with the lovely dr jacque
jani. again, i thank him for his honesty and kindness throughout. an expert in the condition, dr
jani told us that sams hernia was very severe and he also had liver in his chest. he told us that
without the operation, sams chances of survival were about 5%. sams lung to head ratio at this time
was measured at 0.4 (it should be 2.5-3.5).
we agreed to have the FETO treatment, which involved putting sam to sleep, then through my tummy
putting a camera in along a tube, then placing a balloon in sams trachea (with the aim to increase
lung growth). this was the most painful thing i have ever been through, but i thought it was going
to help my little sam. all seemed to have gone well. weekly scans from then on showed sams lung to
head ratio gradually rise to 0.9 then even 1.1. i really thought things were looking up.
on the 10th of december, on my daughters 8th birthday, i had a show. i knew this was bad news being
only 29 weeks pregnant. i put on a brave face till the celebrations were over. then i called the
hospital. they said not to worry.
on the 11th of december, i went to watch my sons nativity play- he was reading the part of joesph.
then i went to see my midwife. she sent me straight to oxford hospital. i was monitored, and during
my time there, starting having contractions. i was given drugs to stop the labour, and sam was given
steroids to mature his lungs. after 3 days, all had pretty much settled down (though not completely
stopped) and i was discharged from hospital. scare over - or so i thought.
on 19th of december of december,my waters broke at 10.30 pm. i rang oxford, but there were no
special care beds. i had to go to the local hospital -gwh, and was then transfered by ambulance to
kings in london. thank you to all the lovely staff at gwh.
on the 20th, i saw dr jani and professor nicolaides who scanned me and decided it was safe for me to
return home to spend christmas with my family. the loss of amniotic fluid was a result of the feto
operation and baby sams surrounding fluids were still ok. then on the 22nd of december, i woke up
in the morning, this time my waters really had gone. i was once again transferred by ambulance to
kings. this time i knew i was staying. i went into labour.
baby sam still had his balloon in from the feto operation. this should have been removed before he
was born. dr jani was going to puncture the balloon on the 23rd of december, but during the hour
before the operation, sams heartbeat slowed down for 7 minutes. i nearly had a c-section. then sam
perked up again, but the professor decided it was to risky to do the procedure and the balloon would
have to be removed after sam was born.
it broke my heart that i could not be with jordan and max on christmas eve, and that i needed daddy
there too, because baby sam was coming. thank you to nanny and bo-bo nanny and uncle roy for looking
after them.
my baby boy came into the world at 7.38 pm on christmas eve, weighing 3lb, 1oz. i saw his arm shoot
up in the air. this is the only time i saw my baby boy move. dr jani punctured sams balloon, but it
was over 4 minutes befre they were able to get any oxygen into sam.
sam was whisked away.
later that evening we were told that it was unlikely sam would make it. i didnt believe he would
die. we went and sat with him. he was all wired up and we couldnt even see him properly, but he
looked strong to me. we stayed with him till the early hours of the morning.
we woke up christmas morning. i thought, no news is good news. sam had made it through the night. we
went to see him. things were looking worse. he was going to die. he was going to die on christmas
day. i called home and arranged for my family to come to see sam. i urged sam to hold on till his
brother and sister reached him. he couldnt wait though. he died in my arms between 11:40-11:45. i
told him it was ok to stop fighting, and that he could go. now ive changed my mind its not ok. my
heart is now broken.
i had to break jordan and maxs hearts too. when they arrived at the hospital, excited to see their
new brother, i had to tell them he had died.
we spent the rest of the day with sam in a private room. i got him dressed and we all cuddled him.
he was and always be the best christmas present ever!
i never got to see his eyes open. i am so sad. i miss my little boy. i want him back!
The Little Wave
The story is about a little wave, bobbing along in the ocean, having a grand old time. He's enjoying the wind and the fresh air – until he notices the other waves in front of him, crashing against the shore. “My God, this terrible,” the wave says. “Look what's going to happen to me!”
Then along comes another wave. It sees the first wave, looking grim, and it says to him: “Why do you look so sad?” The first wave says: “You don't understand! We're all going to crash! All of us waves are going to be nothing! Isn't it terrible?”
The second wave says: “No, you don't understand. You're not a wave; you're part of the ocean.”
Taken from the novel "Tuesdays With Morrie" by Mitch Albom.
Dream a Little Dream
Stars shining bright above you
night breezes seem to whisper
"I love you"
Birds singing in the sycamore tree;
Dream a little dream of me.
Say "nighty night" and kiss me
just hold me tight and tell me
you'll miss me.
While I'm alone and blue as can be;
Dream a little dream of me.
Stars fading but I linger on Dear
still craving your kiss
I'm longing to linger till dawn Dear
Just saying this:
Sweet dreams till sun beams find you
sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you.
But in your dreams whatever they be;
Dream a little dream of me.
Stars fading but I linger on Dear
still craving your kiss.
I'm longing to linger till dawn Dear
just saying this:
Sweet dreams till sun beams find you
sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you.
But in your dreams whatever they be;
Dream a little dream of me.
Sweet dreams till sun beams find you
sweet dreams that leave our worries behind you.
But in your dreams whatever they be;
Dream a little dream of me.
Dream a little dream of me.(Lyrics by Mamas & Papas)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Signs are fore those who struggle with their belief
But I know you believe in me and it softens your grief
I do not need to send a sign to show that I am close
Trust the feeling in your heart, it's a stronger sign than most.
Your baby sister Hope Olivia
Hi little man
Well it's Hope's special day and right now I am very upset to be missing it. My James is poorly and it is such a shame as we were so excited to have been going to meet your family. James was going to wear his suit for the first time, that I got for him to wear for his Auntie's wedding in 3 weeks time. He keeps saying "My costume!" and wanting to wear it anyway. Once I know he isn't going to be sick I may let him put it on for a little while :o)
I'm sure you are very close to your family right now (as always) and watching your little sister's Baptism with so much pride. You know her middle name is after yours, which is lovely.
I must get back to James (I am sooo tired, he needs to have a rest so that I can!) but I just wanted to stop by and chat to you as I am thinking of you and all the Matthews so much today. So sad I am not there, but you can be my representative Sammy Sunshine, be my eyes and ears for me!
Lots of love to you and your brother, sisters, Mummy & Daddy today.
I am sure it will be a really special and beautiful occasion in spite of my not being there - he he!
I can't wait to see some photos. I will also post the card and gift for Honkie Plonk, but am working next week so will get to post office on my day off probably. The last week of term time is crazy busy!
Floaty kisses to you Sam,
Love Rachel (& David, James & Josh) XXXX
Where Did It All Go?
Where did our future go?
Our happy family unit and life?
What happened to all our plans
Where did that first smile go,
First giggle, point and wave
That first 'Dada', first 'Mama'
That first fabulous tooth ?
First look at the sea, first Christmas
First sleep through the night
First steps, first haircut
First Birthday?
The first "I love you"?
What happened to that first day of school
Those scraped knees I was going to kiss better
That first school photo
What happened to that first best friend
That first tooth fairy visit, first gappy grin?
Who stole the insolent teenager who would
Exasperate us, wear us out and make us proud
Where did his wedding day go
And his loving wife
And their beautiful children, our grandchildren ?
In a missed heartbeat
We were robbed of all of this and more,
Of our beloved son and his wondrous treasured life.
Shopping Trip
As I peruse the aisles of the local store
I see things more differently than I ever have before
'Daddy's Little Angel' the embroidered bibs do read
But Daddy's angel is in Heaven and bibs he does not need.
He does not need a bottle, an outfit or a toy
Of buying those things for him we shall never know the joy
There are tiny jars of baby food that he will never eat
And shiny shoes with buckles that will never touch his feet
As the bikes and trikes taunt me from high up on the rack
Tears will break free from my eyes if I dare look back
I run off to the toilets to blow my nose and cry
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard and let out a sigh
I must go face the paper, pencils and wide rule
That my little angel will never use in school
I hurry past the greeting cards that the people choose with care
And I am reminded of the holidays we shall not share
In the checkout line I bow my head and heavy is my heart
For the family right in front of me has a newborn in their cart
Shopping in the local store used to be mundane
Now every aisle's full of items which remind me of my pain
So, quick as I can, I give the cashier the money from my purse
And hurry away from this previously known now foreign universe
I look like a normal shopper and others can never tell
Why what used to be so normal has become a personal hell.
Lets have another go :) ....
well sweetpea its absolutly hammering down this morning looks like the summer floods may be on their way back.
Anyway where was i cant beleive my puter gobbled up my message to you so i was saying .... i hope you liked you little whistle pot thingy we got for you from turkey i know not the best present lol!! :)
Did you see Jordan and max with theirs when i gave them them woooooow what a racket lol ! I do beleive mummy will be looking around for something noisy as pay back in the future ;)
They sounded so pleasent when the guy demenstrated them over in turkey, little sweet sounding bird whistles , how lovely i thought then ......... add one Jordan-amy and one Maxie moo and cor what a different sound lol ;), i think they may well be unexplanably dissapearing :).
Me and jammy came up to your garden on wednesday and brought you some flowers it was such a lovely day, Jamie walked right up to your garden and sat himself down on the grass so i sat down too and we stayed a while, It was the first time Jam didnt try and go off exploring and was very happy to just sit down by you :)
He had a little play with you ninky nonk and wind chimes and then a little play with your thomas, i didnt think you would mind cos i bet your a great sharer :).
The other day me and mummy took honk and jam swimmin and i wondered how things would have been if you were here too, splashing around like crazy i reckon :).
I think if things had been different and you had got to stay little honkie still would of come along and mummy would have had to have that double buggy ;)
I wish that was how it was and that had been mummys biggest worry, and also that honkie didnt have to go through what she is either :( who knows why thinks are the way they are.
But you dont need to worry sweetpea cos you know auntie mary will be there for them every step of the way :) anyway on a brighter note have you heard im going to be one of honkies god mothers :) :) :) how exciting is that :) i`m soooooo honoured to be and will always be there for her and help her anyway i can, including encouraging the wearing of pink lol! ;) and you of coarse know i`ll always be there for you too, i dont need to tell you that do i sammy :)
Any how best be going this has ended up being longer than the first one, i hope you get this one and its not gobbled up too ..... lots and lots of love, hugs and kisses all coming your way sweetheart xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx
You cannot see or touch me
But I'm standing next to you.
Your tears will only hurt me,
Your sadness makes me blue.
Be brave and show a smiling face
Let not your grief show through.
I love you from a different place,
Yet I'm standing next to you.
Simply Put
Simply put ...I really miss you
I've continued to ask why
Life took this dreadful wrong turn...
Now I often sit and cry
*♥* *♥*
Simply put ...my heart is broken
Most people have no clue
Unless they live this heartache...
They don't know what I've lived through
*♥* *♥*
Simply put... I long to hug you
Share a gentle warm embrace
Often spend each day just wishing....
This truth could somehow be erased
*♥* *♥*
Simply put... I can't remember...
Why I never heard your voice
Memories are often painful...
I was not given any choice
*♥* *♥*
Simply put... I know I'm grieving
Won't get better through the years
I have learned some coping methods...
To accept this new frontier
*♥* *♥*
Simply put... I'm good at masking
Denying what I feel
For I know deep down inside me...
I will never truly heal.
*♥* *♥*
Simply put...I really miss you
No one knows the pain I bear
Simply put... there is no reason
Losing you was just not fair.
*♥* *♥*
Easter Eggs
If only our children were easter eggs
Hidden safely in the grass,
We could search for them and pick them up
And hold them in our grasp.
We’d have a heavenly easter egg hunt
All with baskets in our hands,
Searching with a broken heart
Only we could understand.
“Oh look, I found your child here!”
“Hey, did anyone find mine?”
They are so beautifully coloured
How they sparkle and they shine.
These aren’t your usual easter eggs
They each have their own special glow,
That comes from way down deep within
Only a grieving parent would know.
We gather up our special eggs
With excitement all around,
For the gift that we’ve been given
For the treasure we have found.
We all stare with wonderment
At our children that have died,
We want to hold them once again
And release them from inside.
But we all begin to realize
We’d have to crack their beautiful shell,
The one that makes them sparkle and glow
The one they have earned so well.
We can’t destroy their beauty
And take them from their magic place,
So we give them an understanding kiss
As the tears run down our face.
One by one we take our baskets
With our beautifully coloured eggs,
And place them gently in the grass
As we walk away with bowed heads.
We look back in amazement
As our eggs begin to sing,
We see them flutter and move about
“Look – our eggs all now have wings!”
Then the Golden Egg begins to speak
“Your children are safe with me,
You’ll be with them again when the time is right
Together for eternity.”
We stand there in a circle of love
As we look up to the sky,
Watching our radiant eggs take flight
Knowing our children didn’t die.
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