Sam Oliver Matthews

Dear friends and family.
If you are visiting Sam's site, then please light a candle to say you have been here (even if you do not write anything). If you are here then you are still thinking of my lil man, and that means a lot to me. What I do find odd, is when I hear that people are looking here when I don't realise they are. Thank you
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TO ALL MY GTS AND SANDS FRIENDS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENDLESS CANDLES FOR MY ANGEL SAM, AND MESSAGES AND KINDS WORDS. IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME, IM SURE YOU ALL UNDERSTAND, TO HAVE YOUR ANGEL REMEMBERED (WHEN SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN SO SOON). YOUR ANGELS ALL HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART.
WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THAT IN LOSING THE MOST PRECIOUS THING- A CHILD, THAT 'FRIENDS' WOULD DISAPPEAR, THAT PEOPLE DON'T LOOK YOU IN THE FACE ANYMORE, THEY'D RATHER CROSS THE STREET THAN SAY 'HELLO', THAT PEOPLE STOP CARING- AS IF NOW SAM'S GONE, MY BATTLE IS OVER, THAT PEOPLE STOP ASKING HOW YOU ARE- BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR; NOT THAT THERE ARE WORDS TO DESCRIBE THE PAIN.
THANK YOU ALL FOR KEEPING ME SANE (WELL ALMOST), THANK YOU FOR THE CHATS, THE EMAILS, THE TEXTS, THANK YOU FOR STILL TALKING ABOUT SAM, FOR REASSURING ME THAT EVERYTHING I FEEL IS 'NORMAL' IN OUR SITUATION.

I ALSO HAVE TO THANK MARY, FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD FRIEND, FOR THE ENDLESS CANDLES,LONG CHATS, PRESENTS FOR SAM, VISITS TO SAM'S GARDEN, AND FOR LOVING SAM THE SAME AS IF HE WERE STILL HERE.

OF COURSE, I THANK CHRIS, JORDAN AND MAX- MY REASONS FOR STAYING. I COULDN'T GET THROUGH THIS WITHOUT YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST, MY SAMMY SUNSHINE. OH BABY BOY, I KNOW YOUR STAY ON EARTH WAS SHORT, I WISH WE GOT TO KEEP YOU HERE WITH US, BUT FOR REASONS I DO NOT YET UNDERSTAND, THAT WASN'T THE WAY IT WORKED OUT. STILL SAM, I LOVE SO MUCH. DEATH ISN'T ENOUGH TO BREAK OUR BOND, THE LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU IS HUGE, AND WILL BE FOREVER. IF I COULD CHOSE TO DO IT ALL AGAIN, I WOULD DO IT OVER SAM TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE, EVEN FOR SUCH A SHORT TIME. TILL WE MEET AGAIN BABY BOY, I LOVE YOU SON XX XX XX XX XX XX XX XX XX

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its so hard to write about my little mans life and what he meant to us in such a short space, but here goes;

the 8th of october was the day our world came crashing down. we went for our routine 20 week scan. i was so pleased to be told that i was having a little boy. i knew max (aged 6) was desperate for a brother, and i knew jordan (then aged 7 ) would love a brother or sister.
something was wrong! i can remember thinking oh no, hes got a hole in his heart- if only that was all it was. the sonographer called for her collegue, then they called for a consultant. now i knew we were in trouble.
we were told quite bluntly, that our son had a diapragmatic hernia. this meant his diapragm hadnt formed properly earlier in the pregnancy which meant that his bowels and his stomach were in his chest. this had caused our babys heart to be misplaced on the right and leaves less room for normal lung development. we were told then that his chances were about 50:50.

i felt i needed to give my baby a nice strong name. we had been considering sam, oscar and fraser. jordan and max liked sam the most. i looked the meanings up in the baby name book. samuel means: god has heard, and samson means: against all odds (which sam would be- so we hoped). so we decided on sam; a combination of both names.

we were referred to the john radcliffe hospital the next day. we had another scan and an amniocentisis. this was to rule out any other abnormalities which would have meant our little boy stood no chance. we met dr lawrence impey for the first time. we were to see this man a great deal more during the pregnancy. i thank him for his honesty throughout.
we were told that sams condition was at the worst end of the scale and therefore his chances were less than 50%, more like 30%.

dr impey told us about an experimental treatment that was being carried out by expert and wonderful man, professor nicolaides. it was suggested that because of the severity of sams condition he would be a good candidate. we were reffered to kings hospital in london, and met with the lovely dr jacque jani. again, i thank him for his honesty and kindness throughout. an expert in the condition, dr jani told us that sams hernia was very severe and he also had liver in his chest. he told us that without the operation, sams chances of survival were about 5%. sams lung to head ratio at this time was measured at 0.4 (it should be 2.5-3.5).

we agreed to have the FETO treatment, which involved putting sam to sleep, then through my tummy putting a camera in along a tube, then placing a balloon in sams trachea (with the aim to increase lung growth). this was the most painful thing i have ever been through, but i thought it was going to help my little sam. all seemed to have gone well. weekly scans from then on showed sams lung to head ratio gradually rise to 0.9 then even 1.1. i really thought things were looking up.

on the 10th of december, on my daughters 8th birthday, i had a show. i knew this was bad news being only 29 weeks pregnant. i put on a brave face till the celebrations were over. then i called the hospital. they said not to worry.

on the 11th of december, i went to watch my sons nativity play- he was reading the part of joesph. then i went to see my midwife. she sent me straight to oxford hospital. i was monitored, and during my time there, starting having contractions. i was given drugs to stop the labour, and sam was given steroids to mature his lungs. after 3 days, all had pretty much settled down (though not completely stopped) and i was discharged from hospital. scare over - or so i thought.

on 19th of december of december,my waters broke at 10.30 pm. i rang oxford, but there were no special care beds. i had to go to the local hospital -gwh, and was then transfered by ambulance to kings in london. thank you to all the lovely staff at gwh.

on the 20th, i saw dr jani and professor nicolaides who scanned me and decided it was safe for me to return home to spend christmas with my family. the loss of amniotic fluid was a result of the feto operation and baby sams surrounding fluids were still ok. then on the 22nd of december, i woke up in the morning, this time my waters really had gone. i was once again transferred by ambulance to kings. this time i knew i was staying. i went into labour.

baby sam still had his balloon in from the feto operation. this should have been removed before he was born. dr jani was going to puncture the balloon on the 23rd of december, but during the hour before the operation, sams heartbeat slowed down for 7 minutes. i nearly had a c-section. then sam perked up again, but the professor decided it was to risky to do the procedure and the balloon would have to be removed after sam was born.

it broke my heart that i could not be with jordan and max on christmas eve, and that i needed daddy there too, because baby sam was coming. thank you to nanny and bo-bo nanny and uncle roy for looking after them.

my baby boy came into the world at 7.38 pm on christmas eve, weighing 3lb, 1oz. i saw his arm shoot up in the air. this is the only time i saw my baby boy move. dr jani punctured sams balloon, but it was over 4 minutes befre they were able to get any oxygen into sam.

sam was whisked away.

later that evening we were told that it was unlikely sam would make it. i didnt believe he would die. we went and sat with him. he was all wired up and we couldnt even see him properly, but he looked strong to me. we stayed with him till the early hours of the morning.

we woke up christmas morning. i thought, no news is good news. sam had made it through the night. we went to see him. things were looking worse. he was going to die. he was going to die on christmas day. i called home and arranged for my family to come to see sam. i urged sam to hold on till his brother and sister reached him. he couldnt wait though. he died in my arms between 11:40-11:45. i told him it was ok to stop fighting, and that he could go. now ive changed my mind its not ok. my heart is now broken.

i had to break jordan and maxs hearts too. when they arrived at the hospital, excited to see their new brother, i had to tell them he had died.

we spent the rest of the day with sam in a private room. i got him dressed and we all cuddled him. he was and always be the best christmas present ever!

i never got to see his eyes open. i am so sad. i miss my little boy. i want him back!